Lately, a lot of “family values” Christian culture I've been seeing has been nauseatingly alienating. The most egregious example was a single-panel cartoon depicting a simple two-pronged male half of a coin with a matching female half, mocking a coin with a hopelessly complicated maze/puzzle of shapes that it would be impossible to find a matching coin for, about his lack of ability to find a match. Gone are the days of "God made you special and he loves you very much." You’re now old enough for "conform into genericness, we've got sex." I know the argument is more sophisticated than that (both the world's and the church's versions), but I have little patience to hear it from Christians gut-punching Christians while they're down. It wouldn't be cool to mock a Christian incapable of conceiving a child, why would it be okay to mock a Christian unable to find a spouse? Christian Attitudes I use the term "Christian" not because non-Christians should be treated poorly, but as a reminder that when you have done it "unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me." (Matthew 25:40) Their denomination, level of theology, marital status, socio-economic or educational states will not be an acceptable rationale to God when he's evaluating deeds, and neither will yours. "So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith." Galatians 6:10 Good theology is important. Good deeds are also important, and largely independent of deep theology. Less than a year ago my church was rocked by the untimely death of the wife of one of our Elders, killed by a drunk driver. She knew the gospel well but was known not for her deep theology, rather for her good deeds, which were innumerable. I was visiting another country at the time, and upon hearing the news immediately regretted having taken the trip. In the grief that ensued, the thought came to me that while her husband was the Elder (and incredible blessing in word and deed in my life and many others), and if it had been him instead we would be out a great treasure as well, but it wouldn't hurt so much, and with the wealth of theologians in our church, we had lost the more necessary part. This is Biblical: … Much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary: and those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked: 1 Corinthians 12:22-24 KJV It's the people grinding away in the nursery for 50 years, impacting the lives of the children they watch and the people hearing the sermon, that are the last that shall be made first. And so we return to our hopelessly unique single. The Accuser of the brethren will say this brother or sister is dishonorable, while scripture's teaching on the different parts of the body says the opposite. The same tribalistic impulses that drive us apart ought to drive us together when we realize who the enemy is. If that is the case, an apology and dropping the issue is not enough. The same energy which once flowed downward must now be projected upwards in respect and support. Sort of like how you show the pastor your best side, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Uniqueness But irrespective of if singles are treated nicely or not, their place in the church is one that I think requires more careful attention than is normally given. If we are to take the comic's image of someone in a prolonged period of singlehood due to excessive uniqueness, which is an aspect I find mostly accurate, they will have a particular way to contribute to the body, and not be suited for other roles. If they are different, how so? What pros and cons go with singles in the church, and how can they best be a part of the body accordingly? This is beyond my ability to answer, but I would like to fail trying, so someone can come along and criticize their way into a better proposition. One unequivocal advantage of singlehood is freedom, not being tied down. One disadvantage is the lack of consistency/reliability that comes with people who are both free to wander, and do not have supports incentivizing them to stay in the same place. For example, a single adult child who lives with their parents and goes to church with their parents is incentivized to match their patterns of life, such as sitting with them, which impacts their social circles. A single person separate from their parents can move from seat to seat without having to give an explanation why, and have a broader social circle as a result. Even a single who sits in the same place is more approachable, you can see they're not with someone else and are likely to welcome being approached. They are not thought of in terms of their family's reputation, etc. There is not a pattern for them to attach themselves to, they can experiment and be a flex player, responding to fill in the gaps of a church's needs. For that reason, I made the world's best substitute Sunday School teacher, and in general flex player at my church for a good couple years. I then accepted a position as a regular Sunday school teacher, and while fulfilling for me and beneficial for those around, a number of issues made it clear being tied down to the routine was not ideal. For one thing, I travel frequently, and for another my special brand of enthusiasm and novelty became normal, unremarkable, and stifled. For another, the time it took displaced the time it took to be a flex player. Networking It's struck me as odd for more than a decade now how siloed churches of like faith in close proximity to each other are. I explored for the first time (the day of writing this), a church very similar to my own, half a mile down the same road, whose presence I've not heard mentioned, and who I've had no reason through my church to have any contact with in the 6 years I've been there. Churches love having people come to their events, and singles because they have fewer attachments to one place are more prone to checking out others, and inviting their friends who also want something to do. Singles can be great connective tissue between churches, and through many collegiate-style ministries, often are, in one form. Churches that have relationships with each other and work for a common good is better than acting aloof or competing for the same resources, I would hope. Singles can make great connective tissue between bodies that want to maintain distinctiveness, but support each other in common endeavors. The world would also notice showing love for one another in this way. Innovation Singles also tend to be experimental and can bring cool new stuff into a church. On the side I'm a foreign exchange coordinator for high school students, and for years have been trying to get my church to take one (or more), because it's the easiest way in the world to leverage your already established church into fulfilling the great commission. Unfortunately, between being forbidden from "selling" them to church members by my former pastor to general apathy and, of course, legitimate concerns pressing in on individuals to take their attention away, the gears of influence are beyond my reach. I've organized Ultimate Frisbee, Ultimate Werewolf, various fellowship events at my house, and more for my church, but never with institutional backing to let it flourish beyond my immediate sphere of social influence. Other singles face the same barrier, leading to less involvement and shouldering of responsibility. Volunteers are always needed for existing ministries and activities, it would also behoove the church to match the activities to where people are volunteering, to guide and support cool new things that singles go for. Mentoring It should go without saying, but probably doesn't, that singles should not be in their own bubble and non-singles in theirs. Old and young, single and non, each should be working to edify the other with their distinct traits. A good friend of mine married young, and had his wife die after 55 years of marriage. He was dependent on having a partner, and had never dated anyone else, he didn’t know how, and was running amok on his own. Somehow, I was able to give him life advice on dating, and still do from time to time, which has caused us to bond. Examples from my life aren’t authoritative, but they do help us picture how less honorable-seeming members can be more valuable than they look. Over the course of my life, I’ve found advice from singles to be markedly better for me than from marrieds over time, because they’re more in touch with the details of my situation. They also support better because they can attach more to my life, not having a family to consume their attention. This is not to put down the ability of marrieds to mentor, they have unique strengths too. It’s not about status at all, it’s about usefulness. C.S. Lewis puts it best: “It often happens that two schoolboys can solve difficulties in their work for one another better than the master can. When you took the problem to a master, as we all remember, he was very likely to explain what you understood already, to add a great deal of information which you didn’t want, and say nothing at all about the thing that was puzzling you. I have watched this from both sides of the net; for when, as a teacher myself, I have tried to answer questions brought me by pupils, I have sometimes, after a minute, seen that expression settle down on their faces that assured me that they were suffering exactly the same frustration which I had suffered from my teachers. The fellow-pupil can help more than the master because he knows less. The difficulty we want him to explain is one he has recently met. The expert met it so long ago he has forgotten. He sees the whole subject, by now, in a different light that he cannot conceive what is really troubling the pupil; he sees a dozen other difficulties which ought to be troubling him but aren’t.” Back to Conformity This is where having a high priest touched with the feeling of our infirmities is helpful, and his Spirit working through fellow Christians who are likewise touched with the feeling of our infirmities is humbly uplifting. So let’s leverage the strengths of diversity between marrieds/singles rather than create needless divisions/offense. Being single necessarily makes you more unique, but that is only a weakness if conformity to each other rather than Christ is the goal. Guys learning how to cook and clean really well is not emasculating, and women learning jiu-jitsu or how to shoot is not de-feminizing. Learning skills that help you be more independent allows you to bless others more and reflect the glory of God better, not worse. Developing higher standards because you’ve grown yourself pushes all of us to do better…which is another form of sanctification, right? for more on singleness vs. culture check out the blog generally, but specifically Voluntarily Childless
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